IDIOT OF THE YEAR #9: Ted Cruz, captain of the anti-vax Dream Team

Ted Cruz

Illustration: Getty Images

Where does one even begin to talk about Ted Cruz? He’s a politician through and through in the worst sense of the word, a deeply cynical man who not only thinks he’s smarter than everyone else, but that everyone else is too dumb to see through his oily facade. Ted Cruz is an older and more dangerous Eddie Haskell, one who thinks he’s charming Mrs. Cleaver, when he’s actually less self-aware of his unctuous visera than everyone else in the room. All of that said, and his attempts to take down the Republic and democracy aside, he’s also a huge idiot.


Back in February, while the state of Texas was dealing with a massive power outage that saw both the Stars and the Mavericks having to postpone games and, more importantly, led to the deaths of more than 200 people, Cruz attempted to slink off to Cancun with his family, and only returned to seek aid for his constituents when he was caught at the airport and shamed into returning by social media.

We’ve already mentioned that Cruz thinks he’s much, much smarter than the rest of us, and he basically blamed abandoning his state during a climate crisis event on his tween daughters, who were 10 and 12 at the time. So profile-in- courage of you, Ted! In a breathtaking display of cruelty, the Cruz family left their dog, Snowflake, home alone, in the same cold, darkened, powerless house that Heidi Cruz deigned uninhabitable for her family, because it was, in her words, “FREEZING.” This is probably not too surprising. How much, really, can the family dog expect from Cruz, who spent the last four years sniffing the malodorous chair of the guy who publicly called his wife ugly? If you won’t stand up for your life partner, the family poodle doesn’t really stand a chance.

All of that happened before we even made it to March, back when we thought COVID could be over by last summer. That was before Delta and Omicron reared their variant heads and, as summer faded into fall, it became clear that nothing in America was returning to normal, in part because a huge swath of Americans refuse to get vaccinated against COVID. And guess who is whipping up support for anti-vaxxers across America and especially in the sports world? You got it, Ted Cruz.

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Let’s be clear, Ted Cruz is vaccinated. Ted Cruz’s entire family is vaccinated. Ted Cruz knows that more than 800,000 Americans have died as a result of COVID (hey, remember when The Former Guy estimated total COVID deaths of around 60,000? That was a fun fantasy). Ted Cruz doesn’t care, because Ted Cruz and his misguided beard know that leveraging the far right is his only hope of staying in power and, one day, being President. And Ted Cruz desperately wants to be President.

Which is why you never hear that Ted Cruz is vaccinated or that Ted Cruz “supports” vaccines, but you DO see Ted Cruz all over TV and social media defending those who refuse to get vaccinated. Like the sports world’s second favorite anti-vaxxer — after Aaron Rodgers — Kyrie Irving. Ted, who hasn’t yet figured out how to use Twitter without getting beaten over the head for every dumb thing he says, loves to weigh in on sportsball:


Gosh, if only Ted felt like it was “your body, your choice” when it came to other things, like, say, reproductive freedom. But we digress:


Lest you think Ted was sincere in his tweets and not making contemptuous play to draw sports fans to Isengard, you should know that he also picked a Twitter fight with Big Bird over vaccinations for kids.

In a year full of great decisions by Ted Cruz, weighing in on sports and vaccinations were among the worst though, as we’ve seen, not the ultimately rock bottom for the Texas senator. Ted Cruz, who speaks derisively about Black Lives Matter frequently and uses BLM protests to excuse the Capitol riots for attempting to subvert the Constitution, doesn’t give a single shit about Kyrie Irving’s freedom in any sense outside of COVID vaccinations, because that’s the one thing he can contort for political gain. Ted Cruz has no real objection to vaccines or mandates. Ted Cruz thinks he’s being canny. Ted Cruz thinks you won’t notice.


Ted Cruz is an idiot.

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