Sports

So Aaron Rodgers has a long-lost twin and Bill Burr plays for the Texans, glad I know this now


Well this is a disturbing development.

Well this is a disturbing development.
Screenshot: NBC/CBS

Bill Burr would moonlight as a punter in the NFL. It’s the perfect job for him to get back some money, as I’m sure the pandemic put a hurting on his touring revenue. I can hear the joke about it now:

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“What better way to scam yourself into being a professional athlete is there than punting? Everyone else has to eat right, work out, have actual responsibilities that require an exact skillset, and in football, risk a potential lifetime brain injury. The punter can eat a triple bacon pizza burger, wash it down with a beer 10 minutes before kickoff while everyone else is praying that they have all their limbs still attached in three hours. Why? Because all you have to do is kick a ball as hard as you can in a general direction. And then, and then, if, on occasion, they ask you, ‘Hey, can you kick it a little less hard this time so our guys, unlike you, bacon breath, can sprint as hard as they can to stop it from rolling in the end zone?’ And if you fail the reaction is, ‘Heh. better luck next time.’

“How do I know? Because I’ve been doing it this whole year. You’re probably wondering right how is it possible that Bill Burr has been punting in the NFL for a year and you didn’t know. It’s because I’m wearing a helmet and playing for the Texas team that’s not the Cowboys. What about the jersey? It’s a fake name! Who cares what my name is? They don’t need my medical records. They saw I could punt a football 40 yards to the left and to right and they said, ‘Welcome to the Texans, Cameron Johnston.’”

That picture is actually Houston Texans punter Cameron Johnston, but a quick glance would make you check Burr’s tour dates to see if he’s in Houston pulling a prank.

Johnston would be the runaway favorite for doppelganger of the day — were it not for an Aaron Rodgers lookalike at Lambeau Field on Sunday night. The broadcast team spotted him in the crowd and it does beg the question: Does Rodgers have a twin we don’t know about?

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It’s more than the beard, the hair, and the eyes. That person in the crowd perfectly nailed Rodgers’ self-satisfied, smug facial expression. I can see this person telling me how he has a holistic healer who can protect me from carcinogens more effectively than a traditional doctor, and how eating certain animal penises will improve my memory and energy level. He could absolutely make $100,000 or more in an autographed photo fraud scheme before going to jail.

So who did it better? The winner, by split decision, is the Rodgers doppelganger, but only because there’s video and not just a still image. At first I thought it was just the angle, light, and bald head that made Johnston look like Burr — but no, even in his team photo, he still very much resembles the comedian.

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However, true doppelgangers have to do more than simply physically resemble a different person, they have to embody the essence of that person. From the time the NBC camera caught him to the moment he saw the camera and pointed back, the faux Rodgers was on. He knew what he was doing, and he succeeded.

Hopefully, for his sake and the sake of everyone in the crowd, his primary care provider isn’t also Dr. Joe Rogan.

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