Sports

Why, God?! WHYYYYY?!?!


Josh Allen takes on Mac Jones as the Bills get the Patriots on Saturday in Buffalo.

Josh Allen takes on Mac Jones as the Bills get the Patriots on Saturday in Buffalo.
Illustration: Getty Images

I fear to guess the main question on the minds of Bills’ fans heading into Saturday night’s playoff game against the Patriots, but one of the recurring queries has to be, “Are you kidding me?” Not only do they have to face New England, the longtime rival who has owned them for the past couple of decades, with a coach widely considered to be one the best (if not the best) of all time, but did you check the weather report?

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The last time these two teams played in Buffalo, it was that windy, rainy, cold fiasco where Mac Jones threw the ball three times, and the Pats still won. This time, when it really matters, the temperature is going to be in the single digits with a bit of a breeze again. Rain is not in the forecast, so that’s good, but they’re hardly ideal passing conditions for Josh Allen.

On paper — and in Vegas — the Bills (-4) are favored, but to the casual football fan, picking up the newspaper (or pulling up the weekend slate on your phone) and seeing “New England v. Buffalo, Sat. 7:30 p.m.,” your reflex is to roll your eyes and assume the Patriots’ reign of abuse will continue.

However, beating the bully when it matters most, in front of EVERYBODY often is what vanquishes them. Think about when Michael Jordan finally beat the Pistons, or when LeBron James finally beat the Celtics, or when Tom Osborne finally beat the Hurricanes (just me?). Getting by that Final Boss helped propel Jordan, LeBron, and Osborne to their first of many titles.

I don’t think the Bills are on the trajectory of a potential dynasty, but I’m trying to help here, guys. You were one of the Super Bowl favorites at the beginning of the year, so clearly you have talent. You just went into Foxborough and mildly outplayed them. Think positive. Envision a win. Do whatever superstition you think works.

Bills’ fans should take solace in the fact that Tom Brady isn’t under center anymore and know that football fans everywhere but New England are rooting for them to beat the shit out of the Patriots. We want to see this team get destroyed. The Infinity Gauntlet may be in Tampa, but you can still cut off Thanos’ head.

Don’t ask, “Why, God?! WHYYYYY?!?!” God didn’t do this, the devil did, and Bill Belichick, Brady, and Alex Guerrero are the forms he took. Have you seen Mac Jones? He doesn’t look like the kind of guy who would make a deal with satan. It looks like Belichick drafted him out of Pleasantville, and lately he has played less like the Mac-churian Candidate and more like Tobey Maguire.

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I would say don’t ever let anyone laugh at you, but you guys wear Zubaz pants and slam each other through folding tables. The only joke, though, is the Patriots — at least that’s what you should be telling yourself, along with, “I am worthy of a good football team.”

If I may quote M quoting Tennyson in Skyfall:

“Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and though

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

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I’m not quite sure what that means; it just sounds like some cool shit to recite when facing Javier Bardem post-Cyanide, so I figure it works when facing Belichick post-Brady.

Good luck, Bills fans.

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