A Suggested Itinerary for Mark Zuckerberg’s Cross-Country Vision Quest

Image: Getty

Mark Zuckerberg is considerably better at New Year’s resolutions than you are—last year, he built his own home AI, voiced by Morgan Freeman, and ran all over the world. This year, Zuck’s New Year’s resolution is more noble, more selfless. He wants to get offline and immerse himself in the nitty-gritty land of IRL. The Facebook CEO plans to step outside his Silicon tower, Forrest Gump-ing around America, meeting with regular people like you and me. In a post Tuesday evening, the tech god wrote he wants to understand how us commoners live, work and think about the future.


Zuck plainly stated that while “technology and globalization have made us more productive and connected,” it’s also “made life more challenging,” dividing us more than he’s ever “felt in [his] lifetime.”

“We need to find a way to change the game so it works for everyone,” Zuck reckoned. So in order to further “connect the world” and “give everyone a voice,” the billionaire Facebook founder will traverse our great nation via car, having his own personal On The Road as he “stops in small towns and universities,” meeting with a range of real live people and the very humanlike androids I imagine Facebook employs.


Regardless of whether the Facebook founder will embark on a Siddhartha-esque journey or a glorified PR tour, Gizmodo is here to help him along the way:

  • New York City: If you make it to the Big Apple, grab a slice of our city’s legendary pizza and stop by Gizmodo HQ. It will be like when Obama guest-edited Wired but even spicier. We can even do a Facebook Live and give you a free t-shirt. Afterwards, swing by Trump Tower to meet the man that many of your employees have already had the pleasure of getting to know.
  • Kings Point, Florida: Stop by the town the New York Times calls “a magic kingdom for the retirement set” and teach the olds how to properly use Facebook. It would be a necessary public service.
  • ????, ????: While we’re not sure where exactly Oculus founder and Facebook employee Palmer Luckey is, but perhaps you do? Pay him a visit and ask him how he’s doing. Then text all the buddies you made when you visited Gizmodo HQ and let us know!
  • New Orleans, Louisiana: It’s a fun town. Apparently you can pay $300 for to have your very own parade, which you deserve, for you are no mere mortal.
  • Oberlin, Ohio: Zuck mentioned he hopes to visit some universities, so I humbly suggest my alma mater, Oberlin College. Lena Dunham went there. (You might’ve heard of her.) Known for having students who are extremely social-justice minded—who once protested the dining hall for serving sushi, which they considered to be “cultural appropriation”—your visit might be a little rocky. But having college kids yell at you is what keeps life fresh and exciting.
  • Detroit, Michigan: A fun buddy comedy starring poorest city in America and a Silicon Valley billionaire.

But really, Zuck, let your spirit guide you. As you traverse the great terrain of these United States, reevaluate the meaning of “real” and “fake.” Don’t fear the utter weakness of mortals; let it inspire you. The voice of the people will help you figure out who you really are, and who you want to be. I went to Europe for two months after I graduated from Oberlin so I totally get it.

Zuck also asked Facebook users for travel recommendations. So, what parts of the USA do you think this Silicon Valley deity should bless with his presence?

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