The Phoenix Suns are creating their own internal hotline for employees to report tips about their allegedly racist and sexist overlord of an owner, according to ESPN. The move comes amid an investigation over allegations that Robert Sarver not only sucks as being an owner but also is a reprehensible human being.
According to the story, the Suns are creating their own hotline because “no one actually uses the NBA hotline at all.” And why would you when a 2018 email from Phoenix team president and CEO Jason Rowley informing you about the league’s hotline featured the following disclaimer: “Note that if you make an anonymous complaint, someone could still guess your identity from the circumstances or other information you provide.”
That’s some kind of encouragement. “Hey, if you see something, please say something, but keep it as vague as possible. Don’t give any details, times, etc., because we will use it to figure out who you are and fire you.”
However, that story may not be entirely accurate (Narrator: It was accurate) because I found (Narrator: Made up) a bunch of unanswered complaints left on the NBA hotline’s answering machine. Turns out, whoever set up the hotline was as big of a dinosaur as Sarver.
Unfortunately, the dated technology has made it impossible to tell who submitted the complaints (remember answering the house phone, without hesitation, before caller ID?), and I’m going to need some help deciphering who submitted each tip.
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So, dear NBA fans, if you have any information on who these people are or how I can contact them, please let me know. They may still be suffering. I don’t know how far these go back or if they’re in the right order, but I’m just going to play them rapid fire.
- “Hi, yes, NBA? I’d like to report identity theft. Someone stole my Twitter login and used it to write mean things about Russell Westbrook. I think it was Russell Westbrook. Don’t ask me why he would do that or how I know this, just arrest him or do whatever it is this hotline does.”
- *Robot voice* “Hello, NBA. I’m using a voice box because I can’t risk Philly fans figuring out who I am. They’re ruining my life. I can’t go out to eat, I can’t play a game, I can’t tweet something without a million of them screaming at me to, ‘SHOOT THE FUCKING BALL!’ If they find out it bothers me, it’ll only make it worse. I don’t know what to do. Please help.”
- “Yes, NBA” *heavy breathing* “I need to report a crime.” *more panting* “I don’t know what I just witnessed, but the owner” *deep breath* “He just … he, he, he just gave him away. He just gave away Rajon Rondo for nothing but cash considerations.” *sound of phone dropping, followed by muffled voice* “Who was on the phone? My, uh, mom. Be right there.” *hushed voice* “Please do something or he’s just going to keep selling our draft picks.”
- “They’re all gone. Everybody. Russ. Paul. Dennis. They never had a chance. He walked up, batted around Paul like a fucking cat cat toy, and then BOOM from 40 feet away, ended it. He even waved bye … to corpses. I mean what kind of monster taunts dead men?” *pleas of “Why!” between uncontrollable sobbing*
- “I don’t know whose ears are hearing my tears, but I’ve called and bawled, whined and opined and never heard a peep other than the beep. James Dolan is obstructing my colon. He’s ruining the Garden and doesn’t deserve a pardon. This malpractice. … Fuck, I don’t have a rhyme for this. Please save the Knicks!”
- “Hi, this is Bill Simmons, and I know this is a complaint hotline, but I just wanted to call to tell you how great the Boston Celtics are. Kevin Garnett! Ray Allen! Paul Pierce! I couldn’t be happier. Ubuntu!”
- “Hey, NBA, this is bullshit. Why can’t I play with LeBron right now?! I know my contract isn’t up yet, but New Orleans sucks. These owners are a bunch of hillbilly, white trash mothe—” *sounds of a struggle, now a second voice* “Gimme the phone, AD. I told you a deal is coming.” *more struggling* “Fuck you, Maverick! Somebody please, GET. ME. OUTTA. HERE!”
- “Hi, this is King Ja — err I mean, no one. This is no one. I just thought you should know that the Golden State Warriors are cheating. You ever seen Flubber? I know a guy who knows a guy who worked with Robin Williams, and I heard Steph and Klay are putting Flubber on the ball. Please punish them as soon as possible.”
Alright, that’s it. The rest of these are just messages about “being hacked,” asking if the NBA knows how to remove “dick pics from the internet,” so I’m just going to skip them.
But before I go, I just wanted to say one more time that if you know who any of these people are, please let me know. They need our help.